#23

Dear Zoey,

I’ve neglected these letters recently! Time to get back on track.

About a month ago, we saw the new Cinderella. We both loved it, but what struck me most was the film’s very clear thesis: “Have courage and be kind.” I don’t know that there is anything more that I want for and from you than kindness.

Baby, our society is plagued with injustice and misunderstanding and cruelty. It feels like every day I read or hear something, particularly from people I love and care about, that makes me cringe. You have no idea how many times I want to shake people around me and say, “SHUT UP AND BE NICE!” Just be nice.

And I don’t mean a passive nice. I mean an overwhelming, passionate kindness. I hope you overflow with love and empathy for all types of people. I have to remind myself of this. Because it’s easy for me to practice kindness to the downtrodden, misunderstood, and alienated people, but it’s not so easy for me to feel the same on the opposite end of the spectrum. What I remind myself every time I read articles of people justifying discrimination in the name of religion, or hear conversations attempting to justify racism (These usually start with, “I’m not a racist, but…), or see the degradation and alienation of the poor….What I remind myself is that kindness is not a one-way street. Kindness requires that you sacrifice the self-righteousness in your own gut. It means letting go of your pride, taking a breath, and choosing not to take part in things that are divisive. It means viewing every single person you come in contact with as someone with a story. It means offering compassion to everyone–especially those that anger you and make you want to scream. It is not brave to be kind to those that you agree with. That’s easy. What takes courage is choosing kindness. When being kind to someone does not come easy, but you choose to be anyway, that is brave. (And as a side note — this does not mean you aren’t open about your opinions and ideals. It means that when you come to a place of dissension, you choose kindness over your pride. Believe me, it is possible).

This is not easy for me. At all. But I’m getting there, and your sweet heart continues to inspire me.

So, above anything else, please always be kind. What you put out into this world is what will eventually come back to you — make it good.

Love you,
Mama

#18

Dear Zoey,

This might be a heavy letter. I’ve been working on a project that I’m directing in a few months called, V-Day: A Memory, a Monologue, a Rant, a Prayer. It’s part of a bigger project that promotes domestic violence awareness, and ending violence against women. The pieces that are part of it are difficult and emotional and draining, to say the least. And being a single mother to a daughter, I feel a deep sense of responsibility to this mission. I really do.

Zo, you’ve acquired a trait of mine, that at times, I wish you hadn’t. Mema and Papa both have told me that I’ve always had a “soft heart.” I’ve always had a deep sense of compassion and empathy. And I don’t say that to boast. Believe me, there are times when I wish I could cut that aspect of myself out because sometimes, it gets so heavy. I have this deep desire to want to hold people’s pain for them. To make it better. To make them feel worthy and loved and unashamed. And of course, those all sound like good things, and they are. However, there are days that I feel absolutely suffocated by it. And you have that heart too. I see it in the way you pick up on people’s energy. The way you want to comfort people who are hurting. The way you want to make people laugh and bring them joy. The times that you’ve looked at me, fighting tears, and have said, “Don’t cry mama. It’s all okay.”

I’m glad you are loving and aware of others. If there’s anything I hope, it’s that you also take care of your heart. That you can’t fill up someone else’s heart, if yours is empty. That there is absolutely no limit to loving people, but that being said, sometimes the best way to love people, is to let them feel through their own pain and struggle.

Value yourself and value others. Both can be done.

I love you,
Mama

#5

Dear Zoey,

I’ve been meaning to write about this for awhile, and in light of the recent passing of Robin Williams, it seemed appropriate. His death shook quite a few people, especially from my age group. He provided so many fantastic moments in my childhood and early adulthood. Philip Seymour Hoffman passed earlier this year, which was another loss that rocked me. From all of this, the most important thing I can say to you is take care of your mental health.

Depression has been a battle I have fought on and off for a long time. I have been in those dark places. And last October I finally put the puzzle pieces together and knew that I needed help. I’ve been seeing a fantastic therapist on a consistent basis since. Your mental health is valuable because YOU are valuable. You are not weak or ridiculous or over-dramatic for seeking help when you need it. Life, no matter how beautiful, can be a lonely place. It’s okay to be sad and it’s okay to be honest about it. Knowing when you’ve crossed the line between sadness and hopelessness, that is what is important. 

Taking care of your mental health is crucial as is having compassion. I hope to always instill a deep compassion in your soul for humanity. For the fragile, desperate, broken people who are just searching. We are all searching and grasping and clinging. None of us want to lead lives of “quiet desperation.” We want to live and enjoy and breathe and laugh. We want to be known. And valued. And when we feel separate and disjointed and broken, we reach those dark places. And sometimes, some of us can’t find our way out of it.

But I will always remind you that you are never a lost cause, you will never be beyond help. I will remind you that you are a flash of brilliance, a bright cosmic star in an otherwise dark sky. I will remind you that your life is profoundly worth fighting for, and that people around you are worth it as well. I will share with you that your uninhibited laughter is what can always jolt me back to life. I will remind you that the world needs souls like yours. Souls that ignite something joyous and intimate in the people around them. Souls that set the world on fire, and inspire. Souls that deeply care and value the world and people around them.

I can guarantee that you will have moments where you doubt. Where the fear and pain and circumstances will feel like a crushing weight on your chest. Don’t carry all of that. Talk to me. Talk to someone. You will feel crazy and dramatic for it…and then you will realize how worth it it is.

As I said earlier, Robin Williams’ films were a huge part of my growing up. Hook was my go-to movie when I was sick or hurting. In fact, when I was in labor with Emma, knowing that I would be delivering a baby that would never cry or laugh or grasp my finger, I watched Hook. Because I needed happy thoughts. I needed bravery. I needed to believe that life was still very much worth it. Dead Poets Society is what inspired me to pursue English and Theatre. That movie showed me how valuable poetry and art and humanity are. I could go on, but I will leave you with this…

“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, “O me! O life!… of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless… of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?” Answer. That you are here – that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?” 

-John Keating, Dead Poets Society

 

Love,
Mama